I like three things above all. Sex, video games and eggs. I tried so very hard to write something about video games and eggs, but there’s only so many words you can write about Dizzy (look it up, kids!), so it’ll have to be about the moments in games that have you wiggling your joystick and fingering your buttons in the vain hope that you can have sexy time with someone that loves your input. With that in mind, I thought I’d take a wander back through some of the most memorable times I dipped my digital dick.
The first time I think I ever saw boobs was on the Spectrum 48k with the scandalous Samantha Fox’s Strip Poker. Nothing really to note here, you played Poker, if you won, she got her bitmaps out. I remember her as more of an anime babe than she actually is. Look at her. When I finally got her to pop them out, I had at least 6 under tens in my room (calm down, I was one of them) and each and every one of us thought that that’s what tits looked like until we found some porn under a bush.
Probably the next time I was aware of a game designed to give people a reason to reach for the tissues as well as the controller was the infamous Night Trap. A singularly shit game that couldn’t raise enough wood to cover the face of an Atari 2600. It was a weird peeping Tom/slasher/sleazefest that remains as risible as it is unbonerworthy. It’s getting remade, so if you like boredom and pillow fights, check it out…
After Night Trap, though, the fucking gates were open. From here things get hilariously berserk. You obviously had GTA where you could pick up a hooker and bang them in a top down environment. It was a little like watching a car from Micro Machines have an epileptic fit, but it was enough to add to the calls for the game to be banned. Stupid as fuck, but people are stupid as fuck en massé. After GTA, people would just start throwing tits and terrible sex at the screen like we were all at home, lighting candles, warming lube and firing up the PlayStation.
Speaking of the PlayStation, these are all my favourite sexy time moments in gaming. Drink in the majesty of God of War.
Yeah. Towel yourself off and stay with me. From here I have to get to RPGs, because no one does the madness of the no pants dance quite like RPGs. Ohhh boy. Where do I start?
I’m going to start with the Dragon Age series, I think, because I don’t think I’ve ever laughed harder than when, in Dragon Age: Origins, I had male on male (not man on man, I was an elf or something) sex in front of the rest of my, appalled, party for no reason that I can remember. I remember their faces though. I mean, of course they were shocked, I was literally bumming a man they’d just met and I didn’t even ask them to leave. I just peeled off my leather slacks and humped the shit out of him. That’s how you earn respect, folks.
From here I’m going to head into space, for some anti-grav deep down dicking (or scissoring, if you Fem-Shep’d it). Seriously though. Did anyone play Mass Effect without getting your warp-dick on? We’ve all played it plenty of times and we’ve all fucked everyone involved. Lets keep going to the throbbing, purple jewel of fuckining in video game. The Witcher series.
Ah yes. Geralt of Rivia. He’s a mutated monster hunter that the girls just can’t quit. He can have several assignations throughout the series, in fact if the top post on gog.com about it is called ‘Consequences of ploughing multiple women’. Now the thing is that Geralt fucks everyone he meets and then, usually, lets them burn to death or something. Geralt is a hard man with a harder dong. The absolute nadir of the sex in the series comes when, in Witcher 3, he’s finally tracked down his beloved, violet eyed Yennifer and fucks her on a stuffed unicorn.
It’s a scene that will live long in the memory of any 13 year old that played it. It’s sexy and stupid and it makes bugger all sense. A bit like sex in video games, really.