We love monkeys. We love their little faces, the joyful way they have of moving and the skillful way they hurl shit. We also love monkeys in games, so we thought we’d share our Top 10 (we’re including apes, pedants!).
Number 10: Amigo – Samba De Amigo
Now, Amigo is not here because we love his game, a rhythm game with cameos from some of Sega’s biggest stars. Nor is he here because of his maraca shaking prowess. Nope, Amigo is here simply because of his superior simian style. Look at him! He makes me want to cuddle him until his bones crack.
Number 9: Diddy Kong – Donkey Kong Country/Various
When Nintendo decided to give Donkey Kong some of his own pals to play with they went straight for the Scrappy Doo option, giving Donkey a baseball cap wearing mini-me by the name of Diddy. Fortunately for us, Diddy turned out to be less hateful than Scrappy and has since had many monkey adventures with his more naked friend.
Number 8: Pipo Monkeys – Ape Escape
Ape Escape is just a great game. Designed to show off Sony’s new DualShock analogue sticks, the game had you capturing hundreds of brainwashed monkeys in ever more complicated ways. The good thing about these guys is there are loads of them, they’re funny and they have a fucking flashing light for a hat. Amazing.
Number 7: Sten – Breath of Fire II
Sten is the hornyn monkey on the list. A survivor of the Goonheim post who was overcome by the horrors he saw, he deserted his post and seeks to make amends for his own guilt at surviving. Very noble, indeed. Until he sees a lady, then he becomes a very naughty monkey indeed. Seemingly always lead by his tail, Sten will always be a monkey after my own heart.
Number 6: Andross – Star Fox
What’s that you say? The massive planet thing you kill at the end of the Star Fox games is a monkey? Yes indeedy. Way before Kurt Russell became Ego the Living Planet in this year’s Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2, Star Fox had already gone up against his own Living Planet of the Apes. That joke is why he’s on the list. Sorry…
Number 5: Coconuts – Sonic the Hedgehog 2
Shiina here — hijacking the Top 10 list to ram in my own entry. Originally, Bellsy had the Monkeys from TimeSplitters 2 here, but they’re super lame compared to my bae, Coconuts. He’s the first Badnik you encounter in Sonic the Hedgehog 2 (a game which is near and dear to my heart) and he likes to brain you from atop trees with his namesake fruit… is a coconut a fruit? Anyways, he’s also significantly cuter and more prolific than Monkey Dude, the inferior knock-off you encounter at the beginning of Sonic the Hedgehog 3. What’s not to like?
Number 4: Abu – Aladdin
This game is so hard that the first time I played it, one of my eyes popped straight out, but the monkey is cute.
Number 3: AiAi – Super Monkey Ball
I used to be better at Super Monkey Ball than I was at anything else. There was a time when my thumb and I were amazing at something and the little fella who was there with me every banana of the way is AiAi. I’m doing his victory dance right now. If you ever play Monkey Golf against me, I’m AiAi. You can have GonGon or some other monkey. This guy is mine…
Number 2: Donkey Kong – Donkey Kong/Various
What can be said about DK? He’s an icon, he’s been around since before Mario had a real name. I would love to do him justice, but the only way to do that is to play this:
Number 1: Winston – Overwatch
We’ve all been there. One day you’re a genetically enhanced gorilla living in a Moon Colony, eating peanut butter and admiring the intellect of the human race and the next you’ve built your own rocket, flew to Earth and joined Overwatch. He’s a raging beast and a shining light to humanity and he works well with Tracer.